The Fear of Feeling

Aurora lived in a world where emotions were sold in little bottles. You couldn't feel without them. There were so many emotions to choose from - happiness, anger, contentment, lethargy. You could buy bottles with potions that release over time, and you could have short-term bottles delivered weekly. Or, you could pick them up at any store.

Unless you were Aurora. Her mother forbade her from having emotions. She was not to buy them. So in all the seventeen years she'd lived, she'd never felt anything. She didn't mind though. She'd seen emotions cause her friends to do stupid and rash things. And she'd learned to fake emotions, no one she knew she’d never truly felt anything before. She could smile, laugh and even cry with her friends, but she always felt numb. And yet, part of her wondered what it would feel like to feel something.

"Feelings are dangerous!" her mother would always say. "They make you act foolishly. They could impair your judgment. You don't need them. They are a waste."

Aurora would nod. "Yes Mother, I know."

"That's my good girl.” Her mother would pat her on the head. "Can't have you getting hurt."

And that was the conversion. No more information was given. Aurora had no idea why her mother feared emotions so. But Aurora trusted her mother, so she believed that emotions shouldn't be trusted.

One day, Aurora was hanging out with her best friend. "So Aurora, your big 18 is coming up! What are our plans?" Katie asked excitedly.

“Same as always, Kate." Aurora gave a well-practised smile.

"Really? Come girl, live a little," Katie teased.

"You know how my mom is.” Aurora rolled her eyes, the skill that was hardest to learn.

"Want me to see if my mom can pull some strings and get you over for a sleepover? The two of us can have a small party." Katie smiled brightly at her.

Aurora knew it was just Katie's emotions that made birthdays such a big deal. It was just another day. But at the same time, she found it thoughtful. "You can try."

Katie clapped and jumped up and down. "You just wait! Mom and I will throw you the best mini-birthday ever!"

Aurora used that well-practised smile and, for the first time, she wished it was real.

Somehow Katie's mother convinced Aurora’s mother to agree to the sleepover.

"Katie's mother mentioned that she picked up extra emotions for tonight, and I didn't want you to feel bad for not taking them, so I picked this up." Aurora’s mother handed her a bottle with a clear liquid in it.

"What is this?" Aurora looked at it closely.

"It's a drink that stops the emotion potions from working,” her mother said passively.

"Is it safe?" Aurora brought it to her nose; it had no smell.

"Oh, perfectly. I used it on you when you were young and we would go to your little friends’ parties. And I use it daily to look normal."

Aurora carried the drink into the car. "Mom? Are you sure emotions are that bad? Maybe it's not so bad."

"Never, darling. They make people do…"

"Foolish things. I know…but some people aren't foolish or wasteful with them."

“Aurora…” Her mother spoke slowly. “I'm letting you spend the night with your friend. Don't push it. Drink. The. Drink. Or you will suddenly get sick."

Aurora knew she couldn't really feel fear, and for that she was grateful. She slowly drank the liquid it; had a sour aftertaste. "Happy?"

"Never," her mother said pointedly. They pulled up to the house. "Have fun. I'll drop the car off tomorrow. I’ve arranged a ride to work tomorrow, so you can have the car."

"Thanks, Mom." Aurora headed inside, ready to pretend she could feel like the rest.

"Aurora!" Katie's mom gave her a hug. "Happy birthday, dear!"

"Mom and I got all kinds of things to make tonight special!" Katie jumped again. And did they ever! They had cakes, cookies, chips, pop, movies, face masks, and so much more.

"And…" Katie's father stepped into the kitchen. "We got you a few gifts!"

"Wow...I...I don't know what to say." Aurora stared at everything…Unsure how to react.

"We are gonna celebrate!" Katie's mom handed everyone a pink drink for what Aurora assumed was happiness.

It had been years since she’d seen one this close up. She wanted to look at it closer but couldn't without being conspicuous. She quickly drank it down and noticed it had no flavour - was that because of the drink before?

She kept rolling with the act all night. After much celebrating, the girls went upstairs to Katie's room. They crawled into bed, turned off the light, and talked late into the night.

When there was a lull and a moment of silence, Aurora couldn't help but ask. "Kate?"

"Yeah?"

'What does it feel like?"

Katie sat up. "What does what feel like?"

“Feeling...'' Aurora sat up and wrapped herself in a blanket.

"What do you mean? You...you feel...I've seen you... Tonight you..."

"Copy-and-pasting is easy when you've been watching it all your life." Aurora took a deep breath. "My mom doesn't....doesn't let me feel. Forbids it, actually. I've never been allowed to feel..."

"But tonight you drank emotion potions..." Katie came and sat next to her.

"They make a counter potion for that."

"So, you're always numb?"

Aurora nodded.

Katie said nothing and just hugged her friend.

"So, try to describe them to me?" Aurora fell asleep to the sound of her best friend trying to explain what different feelings felt like.

The next morning Aurora chatted with Katie's parents. They decided that they would help Aurora move away from home shortly after high school, and then Aurora could decide what she wanted to do about emotions.

Aurora continued to follow her mom’s rules. Then a few weeks after graduation, thanks to Katie's dad, Aurora got a job in the big city; there she worked as a receptionist for the sister company to the one he worked for. Katie's mom helped her find a therapist.

And that's where she sat now, facing a kind older woman who went by Ms. K. "So tell me, Aurora, what brings you to my office today?"

"I'm 19 and I’ve never felt anything before..." she said quietly.

"Oh, dear girl, you're not the first person I've met who has had this happen to them." The older woman said with a smile.

"My mom said emotions were dangerous and wrong... "

"So you never got a say in your feelings?"

"No. Never. And even after I've moved away, I'm still terrified to try."

"Because what if she's right?"

Aurora nodded.

“I’ll help you."

The two spent a few weeks talking. Aurora learned that some feelings existed without the potions, like being uncomfortable, feeling like you didn't belong, or feeling safe or comfortable. And eventually, she took home a small set of tester emotions, small bottles that only lasted an hour or so. She set them on her table.

And just stared at them. She didn't have to use them. She could wait; her therapist had said there was no rush.

But they had kind of hit a wall with therapy. She needed to feel and she knew it. She wasn't sure what she wanted to feel first. She looked at all the colours, each one representing something she'd never experienced.

The red caught her eye, and she picked it up. Anger; without giving herself a moment to think, she took a drink. She was shocked at the heat of the drink. Then she waited. Would she freak out, would she break something?

But nothing happened. Was she broken? Had her mom wrecked her? She started writing just like her therapist suggested. She started to write about her mom, and suddenly she was writing fast and hard, she was so angry.

Then she stopped. She was angry... and she wasn't dangerous to anyone. The realization of her mom’s lie fueled her anger more. Writing wasn't enough. So she went for a walk.

She walked till the emotion wore off. "Whoa..." She saw a bench nearby and sat for a moment, processing the experience. Still feeling overwhelmed, she walked slowly back to her apartment. She wanted to feel something more positive.

She picked up the pink drink she remembered from her birthday. Happiness. She took the drink and swallowed it. She found it odd that almost instantly she thought of Katie and her family and the way they had helped her. And she started crying. You can cry when you’re happy? she wondered.

She called Katie. 'Am I broken?" Aurora started their call.

“What do you mean?'

"My therapist gave me emotions to try in small quantities. And when I tried happiness I thought of you and your family, and I started crying," Aurora explained.

"Oh, my friend... You are not broken. You're just crying because you are so happy. Hey, turn on the front camera."

"Why?"

“I wanna see your for-real smile."

So Aurora did.

"Woah. Emotions look good on you.”

"Thanks." Aurora smiled brightly.

The girls talked way later than Aurora had meant to. But it felt so good. After hanging up, Aurora looked over to her box of trial emotions. There was more to feel. Sadness scared her the most because she knew that once she tried that one, she would grieve the childhood she didn't have. But for now, she would go to bed knowing she had started to heal.